


Definitely Not Toni Stark's Voice Diary

by bessyboo



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Audio Format: M4B, Audio Format: MP3, Audio Format: Streaming, Gen, Genderswap, Podfic, Podfic & Podficced Works, Podfic Length: 10-20 Minutes, Reverse Big Bang Challenge, implied future Steve/Toni, not even really a podfic, technically gen, unrequited Toni/Pepper
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-08
Updated: 2012-09-08
Packaged: 2017-11-13 20:45:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/507552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bessyboo/pseuds/bessyboo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Antonia Stark does NOT keep a voice diary. (Fuck you Rhodey, you were so much more fun when we were dating.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Definitely Not Toni Stark's Voice Diary

**Author's Note:**

> So this was made for Avengers Reverse Big Bang 2012. Now, since podfic normally comes after a story is, you know, _already written_ , podfic submissions for RBB challenges--where by design, the _art_ comes before the _fic_ \--can be...interesting. I am not a writer, and I knew I was just not capable of writing myself a drabble I'd be happy with. SO, I thought, "hmmm, what if I create a project where I can sort of plot out the basics, do some character development, and then just talk into a mic, in-character, for a few minutes, and edit that into something usable?" And thus the idea for this podfic was formed.
> 
> (Yes, that means that, aside from JARVIS's bits, and the two scenes involving Pepper & Bruce, I wasn't working off any sort of script for any of this.)
> 
> Because it basically took a village to make this: A MILLION thanks to [Pennyplainknits](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Pennyplainknits/pseuds/Pennyplainknits), who was literally the only person on my list of "people who can play femme!JARVIS". SHE IS THE PERFECT FEMALE JARVIS, I literally cannot imagine ANYONE better, real, famous, fictional, or otherwise. Tons of thanks also to [moonling](http://archiveofourown.org/users/moonling/pseuds/moonling) and [queelez](http://queelez.livejournal.com/), my RL!Pepper and Bruce, who were not only convenient, but perfect for their roles (both in voice and relationship to me, haha). Additional thanks to [Torra](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Torra/pseuds/Torra) and [kiaxet](http://kiaxet.dreamwidth.org/), for helping out with the technobabble sections, and [platinumvampyr](http://platinumvampyr.livejournal.com/), [War_Kitten](http://archiveofourown.org/users/War_Kitten) and [paperclipbitch](http://archiveofourown.org/users/paperclipbitch/pseuds/paperclipbitch), for general audiencing and support.
> 
> And lastly, I realize that JARVIS's timestamps are messed up; that's due to a typo on my part, whoops /o\
> 
> Cover image (both photo and final graphic) by me. (Toni totally wears ThinkGeek panties.)

  
  
  
**MP3 [8.64 MB]:** [Download](http://bessyboo.parakaproductions.com/My%20Podfic/MP3s/Definitely%20Not%20Toni%20Stark's%20Voice%20Diary.mp3)  
 **Audiobook (M4B) [4.42 MB]:** [Download](http://bessyboo.parakaproductions.com/My%20Podfic/Podbooks/Definitely%20Not%20Toni%20Stark's%20Voice%20Diary.m4b)

* * *

  
**Toni:** Hey, JARVIS, run playback on voice log, subroutine "recent".  
 **JARVIS:** Password?  
 **Toni:** What? Oh, right, fucking Fury, what did I—oh. [chuckles] Right. [clears throat] F 6 8 6 1 6 3 6 B U 7 4 6 8 6 9 7 3 C 4 6 7 5 7 2 7 9 K.  
 **JARVIS:** Password accepted. Running playback. 

 

  
**JARVIS:** Time stamp 10 41 04 26 2012.  
 **Toni:** Double-check beta-voltaic conversion calculations.

 

  
**JARVIS:** Time stamp 21 03 04 27 2012.  
 **Toni:** So, I met Captain America today. _That_ was interesting. [pause] You know what, I bet he's just used to all those wartime gals just falling all over themselves—[scoffs] probably. [pause] Yeah, 'cause, you—you know what? Yeah, I'm—I'm a girl. Yeah, and let's—let's be honest here, I'm smarter than him. And I'm not afraid to make the first move. And oooh, I have boobs: scary! And, okay, I mean, yeah, maybe that "pretty pectorals" line was a little much, but—[scoffs] whatever, did he have to be such a self-righteous prick about it? God, and "ooh, you're quite a dame"—like, what the fuck does that mean, seriously? [scoffs] God, and then he had to bring Dad into it. Gross. Whatever. Sorry, ladies: Captain America, kind of a douchebag! [scoffs] I'm over it. I'm gonna go take a shower, wash the stink of self-righteousness off.

 

  
**JARVIS:** Time stamp 21 18 04 27 2012.  
 **Toni:** [noise of shower in background] You know, growing up with all those stories about him, like, it really—god. This sounds so fucking—whatever. But, like, it's kind of disappointing that he doesn't, you know, live up to all those great stories that Dad had. Which, you know, [scoffs] but like—you know. I think Dad always wanted a son who was...more like him and less like me. That's what I got out of those stories, anyway. [pause] You know what did live up to the, uh, the stories, though? Those pectorals were pretty great.

 

  
**JARVIS:** Time stamp 21 23 04 27 2012.  
 **Toni:** Oh my God, did Dad want to sleep with him too? Gross! No! Ew! [pause] Wait, wait, strike that "too", no, I didn't—I didn't say that, I didn't—I didn't— _fuck_.

 

  
**JARVIS:** Time stamp 08 46 04 28 2012.  
 **Toni:** Don't forget, meeting with Rhodey at three. So, show up at four. [pause] Make that four thirty.

 

  
**JARVIS:** Time stamp 14 37 04 30 2012.  
 **Toni:** Tell Pepper I have decided that black olives are gross, and they should never be on pizza again ever.

 

  
**JARVIS:** Time stamp 17 55 05 02 2012  
 **Toni:** All right. Tonight's the night. I'm going to install the arc reactor for Stark Tower, eee! So, assuming I calculated the beta-voltaic conversion correctly—and let's face it, I'm me, so I did—I estimate a 99% chance of success. There's a .5% of abysmal failure, and .5% chance of minor technical malfunctions that'll cost me a fortune in remedial R &D and wind up being a five-minute fix. But the preliminary tests have all been successful. There's only so much you can do in the NYU swimming pool, though. Also, it's a good chance to test out the rebreather upgrades in the suit, which I've been meaning to anyway, so. Oh, Pep's home! [sound of door opening] Hey Pep!  
 **Pepper:** [in background] Hi, Toni.  
 **Toni:** Did you pick up my palladium shipment?  
 **Pepper:** [in background] Uh, yeah, it's in the warehouse.  
 **Toni:** You're the best! She really is the best, you know. This was basically all her idea. Well, okay, _technically_ it was my idea. But it was inspired by her! Seriously, now that it's legal in New York, one of these days I'm actually going to succeed in convincing her to marry me, and then all of her brilliant ideas will legally be half mine! [maniacal giggle]  
 **Pepper:** [shouted in background] I'm still straight, Toni.  
 **Toni:** I know, it's one of the tragedies of my life. [mock sigh] Anyway, let's get this sucker lit!

 

  
**JARVIS:** Time stamp 21 19 05 02 2012.  
 **Toni:** Ugh. Really, Coulson? Thanks a lot, Pepper, geez. This is going to be just like when I pulled all-nighters in college, god. [sigh] Well, if it's gonna be like college—[sound of tinkling ice and pouring drinks] [happy sigh] Aw, yeah, that's the stuff.

 

  
**JARVIS:** Time stamp 04 42 05 03 2012.  
 **Toni:** [slurred voice] You know, it really is a—it's so sad that Pepper's straight. Like—like, I just, I love her so much, and sometimes I worry that—that I'll never find somebody who cares about me like she does...who _also_ wants to have sex with me. Life is unfair. [indistinct sad noise] I should've made you a human body, JARVIS. I should get on that. [sigh] [silence]  
 **JARVIS:** Should I call Ms. Potts to escort you to bed, ma'am?  
 **Toni:** No, no it's okay, JARVIS, I'm fine here—I'm fine. [mumbled] I'm just fine.

 

  
**JARVIS:** Time stamp 11 14 05 03 2012.  
 **Toni:** Get more Thermite.

 

  
**JARVIS:** Time stamp 23 08 05 03 2012.  
 **Toni:** Repair Mark V, left boot repulsor.

 

  
**JARVIS:** Time stamp 09 50 05 04 2012.  
 **Toni:** So don't invert the thermo-isorotation mid-desaturation, and um, let's adjust the spin ratio by, ah, 2/27ths of a microsecond per unit of gamma radiation. [pause] Hmmm, JARVIS, can you cross-reference all signs of proton exchange greater than 100 per unit?  
 **JARVIS:** Certainly. Cross-referencing now.  
 **Toni:** Perfect, thanks. God damn, remind me to "upgrade" all SHIELD computers to Internet Explorer. This equipment is a joke; what's with all the shitty StarkTech knock-offs? And, while we're on it, does Fury have an order out to _babysit_ me?! Seriously, I'm pretty sure those interns aren't actually here to drop off equipment. They're fucking checking up on me every half hour; it's like grad school all over again! "Yes, Stark is going to break the lab equipment with her vagina, yup!" [scoff] Neanderthals. And, speaking of Neanderthals, Thor: what is his deal? Like, I understand, intellectually, that he's basically an alien god. But, oh my god, I'm pretty sure his bicep is larger than my neck, Jesus Christ. And it's not like this little group is short on huge dudes; I mean, Captain Douchebag has some muscles on him, there's no denying that. And if I can get Banner to let the other guy come out and play, [laughs] man, I mean, talk about huge, I've seen the footage of him—  
 **Bruce:** [in background] Stark, were you talking to me?  
 **Toni:** Oh! Banner! Right. Uh. No, buddy, hey, uhm, [walking away] have you tried reversing the polarity of the—  
 **Bruce:** [in background] That never works.

 

  
**JARVIS:** Time stamp 11 29 05 04 2012.  
 **Toni:** Look into acquiring a freeze-dried blueberry manufacturer; that shit is _delicious_.

 

  
**JARVIS:** Time stamp 14 31 05 04 2012.  
 **Toni:** [long period of silence] [quietly] I can't believe. God. [silence] Loki is such a fucking bastard. [silence] I can't—JARVIS, shut it off—

 

  
**JARVIS:** Time stamp 16 12 05 04 2012.  
 **Toni:** [heavy panting] Note to self: look up shawarma! Oh, crap—

 

  
**JARVIS:** Time stamp 17 04 05 04 2012.  
 **Toni:** [silence] [quietly] JARVIS, patch me through to the home answering machine.  
 **JARVIS:** [silence] You're connected, ma'am.  
 **Toni:** Pepper, um. Uh—I'd—I just want you to know that I love you. _So_ much, more—more than you'll ever know. And I just wanted to tell you. [swallow] I trust the company in your hands. Please...tell Rhodey that [quiet laugh] I love him too, and he's one of the best friends I could've ever asked for. [pause] Tell Bruce that he needs to trust himself, give himself more credit. And—[pause] and tell Steve—[pause] tell Steve that I misjudged him...and you know how often I say that, so. Let him know. [pause] Pepper, you're the best. [silence] [whispered] Oh, god—

 

  
**JARVIS:** Time stamp 17 17 05 04 2012.  
 **Toni:** Oh my god, I'm alive! [weak laughter]

 

  
**JARVIS:** Time stamp 17 18 05 04 2012.  
 **Toni:** Oh my god, JARVIS, run every encryption algorithm you have on that last transmission! _Shit._

 

  
**JARVIS:** Time stamp 18 49 05 04 2012.  
 **Toni:** You know what's delicious? Shawarma.

 

  
**JARVIS:** Time stamp 12 31 05 05 2012.  
 **Toni:** Did...I really just invite an alien god, two master assassins, a dude who becomes the size of a house when he gets angry, and Captain Douchebag himself to live in my mansion? Really? [pause] Oh god.

 

  
**JARVIS:** End of playback.

**Author's Note:**

> You know what you should also check out? [Sinope](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Sinope/pseuds/Sinope)'s fic that was based on this! IT IS SUPER GREAT YOU GUYS, I highly recommend it! (LINK COMING SOON) Big thanks to her, also, for doing almost all the transcriptions.
> 
>  
> 
> Also? Try running Toni's password through a hexidecimal decoder ;)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [You're Living in the Past (It's a New Generation)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/512929) by [bessyboo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bessyboo/pseuds/bessyboo), [Sinope](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sinope/pseuds/Sinope)




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